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Jul 04

My Personal Independence: My New Year

“The Law of Order exists when the observing mind can accept what is, regardless of the appearance of chaos.”

Reflection: As I embark upon MY new year, my birthday, I can only reflect on how thankful I am to be here. This is the time of year when I typically have my annual exam and it didn’t go so well last year. At the turn of 2016, I cried so hard at the stroke of midnight, because the last six months of 2015 were a beast for me. I’ve made it a full year!! I cannot type that without crying, because I was terrified. My thankfulness for being here is more than a mere, “Thank you Lord for giving me another year!” It’s a, “Whew…I thought You were going to take me for a minute there. Thank You for sparing me. Thank You for giving me this testimony. Thank You for giving me this strength and knowledge. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!” [Insert a whole bunch of hallelujahs and praise dances.] I’ll be 43 years old! 43 is not a milestone birthday for most, but it is for me.

Reality: Every single day is a struggle and I don’t want any negative energy in my life. Point! Blank! Period! *in my Tamar Braxton voice* I’m going to try not to exude any negative energy. I love my family and I love my friends, but I don’t necessarily have to deal with them. I want people in my life that understand that I work a full-time job; I run a business; I am trying to stay in/go back to school; I am trying to be a great mother, grandmother, and sister; I am trying to be a better aunt; and I probably could be a better friend, but there are days that I don’t want to (or physically can’t) do any of it. I have a bigger voice – a bigger “No” voice; a bigger “This is what I need from you” voice; and a bigger “I don’t want to do it” voice.  If I don’t like what you are bringing to the table of my life, then I’m going to find me another place to sit. I’m just going to pick up my tray that’s holding my full plate and leave.

Change and vanity: Getting older is more than a notion. I swear I was 21 two years ago. This morning, I plucked a couple of grey hairs out of my eyebrows; I don’t know where they came from. I noticed a little extra puffiness under my eyes too, but I blame it on the lupus or the medications…something other than me getting older.  I’ve gained 33 pounds in the past 8 months. I’m at the point where it’s way too much trouble to try to hold in my stomach. I’m not a Spanx kind of woman, so I have to lose the flab and flatten. I still want to take my picture like Jada Pinkett Smith coming out of the water in a two-piece swimsuit. On the opposite side of that coin, I kind of don’t care. I’ve given birth multiple times, I AM over 40, I don’t have, nor can I afford a personal trainer. I half-ass workout…eighth-ass workout (really like 16th-ass). Whatever! Meanwhile, I’m learning the art of ruching, throwing in some sit-ups and crunches, and calling it a day.  Perhaps I’ll get back to weight training when I get a home gym. The gym is a yucky place for my immune system. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! I downloaded the Sworkit app that I saw on Shark Tank though.

Acceptance: To be honest, things aren’t going so well with my health right now, but I have a better disposition and that didn’t fully develop until Saturday, July 2, 2016…yes, two days ago! Despite the fact that I cry nearly every time I leave the doctor’s office these days, I do have a better disposition. J I am finally in my acceptance mode of this phase. There will be other phases that require adjustments, but I have this one under control. I have a wonderful support team, who wipe, talk, and pray those tears away. I am building new relationships and growing that support team – long term lupus patients who understand what I mean when I mention my Prednisone graveyard for clothes.

My personal law of priorities: Me and my responsibilities for my spirituality, health, and livelihood; Renee, Kareena, Erin, Josiah, Johnathan, and a host of other family and friends (this even has a sub-list).  I hope there are no complaints.

 

i am

 

 

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